Things I've Never Told Anyone

I've never really told anyone that sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if I'm in a dream or if this whole thing is real, this life here in Japan. 

I've never told anyone that I miss my dad, although that seems strange to me because I've never really known him very well. I'd like to. I wish I could more. But we are so much the same that we hesitate to say what we really want. 

I really want to know my grandparents history, and about my ancestors and relatives in Sweden and everywhere else. And I wonder if I'll ever know. I asked about it once, but perhaps some hesitate to open the doors to the past. I secretly hope to just come across a cousin online or somewhere in Japan. Maybe while on a trip to Kyoto, I would meet someone sightseeing, who has kin living in Canada. Not impossible. Just very low odds. 

I never thought I would dislike anyone or find it hard to forgive and yet, somehow, while here in Japan, I have felt quite opposite. I have struggled to forgive and wondered why I should forget. I don't know the line between letting it go and not putting up with people's garbage. I don't feel that it's fair to treat anyone like they're lower status. I don't believe in looking down on people and I feel confused about what to say to people who do. I wonder if I have any right to tell them, teach them, or to show them. 

I had a good friend in elementary school. He disappeared for years. I saw him again while I was walking home from junior high, and we instantly recognized each other. A year later, he moved to Calgary. He called once. I tried to call once. He was gone. Now every time I go to Lethbridge or Calgary or to any airport, I hope to find him.

Recently I've been feeling like I just need a win. And I wish the Michael J.Fox show was more popular. I don't remember any episodes of Family Ties, but I remember watching it. If I went back in the past, I don't think anything could be changed, because we cannot change our character or personality so easily or so quickly. That only comes with time and effort, and with just accepting who we are right now. 

This digital age annoys me because of the lack of face-to-face contact and it seems like nobody has a land line any more. We don't remember each other's voices because we only chat on facebook or wherever else. At the same time, I enjoy being able to "create a character," to be anyone, to present myself however I want to be seen. So while I write this...am I real? To you, am I real? 

I am not an answer, but many questions.