Fool Me Twice. Shame on who? (Defining Moments)

So I don't know if I could call myself a blogger. At least not now. Roughly two years later and I've decided to come back here and post some thoughts. So what took me so long? Did I give up? Did something take over all of my time and energy? 

In the last three years, I've gone from making the decision to leave Japan (after four years living in the middle of a beautiful nowhere and working as an Assistant English teacher at a junior high and high school) in order to settle back in Canada, to...well...right back to where I started.

I once declared to the world and to myself that I would never work as an ALT (Assistant Language Teacher) in Japan again after my first round. And who could blame me? 

ALTs in Japan are often frustrated by their unclear role in the classroom. They are frustrated by the overwhelming amount of Japanese used by Japanese Teachers of English (JTEs) during "English classes." And they may be frustrated that no matter how hard they try to start a revolution...they end up alone. Their suggestions are shot down. They are not seen as real teachers, but rather human tape recorders, called upon by Japanese teachers to "model correct pronunciation" of English words. And while I am referring to this group of disgruntled foreigners in Japan as "they," I do in fact also mean "me." I'm in that group, too.

Do I have any right to be bitter? No, not really. I knew what I was getting into. At least this time I did. Perhaps a little. But maybe I imagined that living in a totally different region and working not under the JET Program(me), but as a direct hire with multiple other ALTs, things in fact WOULD be different. But that's besides the point now. 

For any of us in any situation- no matter how rough or unfair it seems- we can't feel sorry for ourselves. We can't ask for pity. There are a thousand different things I could be doing with this situation to make the most of it. In my case, I'm only doing about five of those things. And honestly, it's taken me too long to get to this point. Let me explain.

1.) In each class I join, even as an assistant who has no power to call the shots (the JTE does that), I observe the teacher's teaching style and take note of what works, as well as what doesn't work. I'm doing my research.

2.) I study Japanese. The teachers speak enough of it in class, so I'm shadowing what they say (quietly) and writing it down when I can.

3.) If I am called on to be the "human tape recorder," I will strive to be the best human tape recorder. Students will FEEL the words I speak.

4.) With my free time, I'm developing my own English teaching materials, both for lessons at school and future lessons I plan to give.

5.) I am not defining myself by this role. I am not waiting for other people to value me in my role anymore. I am valuing myself. As a result, the people who have eyes for it will see that value in me as well. And for those who never see it: it doesn't matter. If we live to please everyone, we will never find who we really are. 

One thing I can say about my work is that it's made me look a lot more deeply into myself. Still a lot of questions to answer. But if we never push any buttons, we may not see what they do. They could open up to a hidden room full of tools we couldn't even imagine existing. Tools of the mind and soul. 

Learning the road. Mapping it out. Moving forward.

A Fox, a Deer, and a Snake. Just Following a Cafe Sign, Nothing More.

No, this is not a joke, nor is it a proverb of sorts. But it is a story of how one day I woke up early in the morning and ended up somewhere I'd never imagined I would be.

We sat there looking through the window into the wild of our surroundings. Two rivers meeting each other just outside the cafe where we sat and drank our mango lassi and iced tea. A bearded man in a white T-shirt and jeans was walking around outside, moving things about like he knew exactly what he was doing. A few minutes later, the cafe door opened and the bearded man walked in, looked at us, and without hesitation, simply pointed his finger  and said "Fox!" We rose up from our chairs to take a look as we met with curious eyes and that cute bushy-tailed mischief maker.

The man explained to us that it would soon come closer to the entrance, though we couldn't imagine why. He had been hunting and had buried an entire deer in the ground, all except for the antlers, which were protruding beside the porch where we'd entered. Sure enough, we watched as the fox scurried under the cafe to where its meal awaited. The bearded man walked over to the corner where he liked to keep his cigarettes and grabbed his ipad and uttered three simple English words: "Take a picture!" He then proceeded outside as he called out to the fox "Kochi oide" ("Come here"), to which the woman shaping dough behind the counter responded "Sono koto iwanaide" ("Don't say that kind of thing). Thankfully, as soon as the door opened, our furry friend scurried off into the woods. Sure, a picture would have been nice. But being the scavengers they are, foxes carry a whole lot of...who knows what! So that ended. A few minutes later, we were called out again to see a snake. A "calm" snake, according to the man. Well, thank God for that. Neither of us wanted to meet an un-calm snake.

We returned to our seats inside the cafe and I attempted to eat the leftover ice from my cup of tea. The woman behind the counter inquired about where we were from, how we came to Hokkaido, what we do, and as we talked more, she began to share stories about other foreigners she and her husband had met, friends from North America, and how they came to name their cafe "Talkeetna" which is apparently comes from Alaskan aboriginal language, meaning "junction of three rivers." Indeed, there is also a town in Alaska referred to as Talkeetna with three large adjoining rivers. That explained a lot. Prior to  her explanation, we couldn't imagine why a cafe name in Hokkaido would read as "Ta-ru-kii-to-na." So it's not from Japanese. I see. And although we could only see two rivers joining, shortly after we discovered that there was one more just a ways down from where we were.

Before we knew it, we were holding photo albums filled with pictures of bears and mountains, and a script for a TV show (referred to as a "do-rama" in Japan- DRAMA) that had been filmed in their area. The man's name was in the book, too. He was a part of all the outdoorsy stuff, and lent a hand when no-one else knew what to do when nature was giving them trouble.

"Oh no! Where did the time go? We've been here for over two hours. We have to go back home. We have laundry. We have dinner at the Uda's house tonight." We had to go back to our life, back home. I didn't want to leave that old, tiny, hidden place surrounded by trees and the peaceful sound of trees blowing in the wind blended with the flowing water from nearby. We sat a little longer as a group of rafters passed us by.

Finally, we stood up to stretch and took a look around us one more time for the memory. Alexis apologized for having stayed so long, to which they answered that they were happy to have us enjoy time together talking and that it was no problem to just come and "hang out." Unfortunately, though, it was time to move on.

We drove back across the bridge with our fingers crossed, hoping that it wouldn't give way and we would successfully get across the river with our car. Okay, we made it. We drove on along the narrow, bumpy gravel path, until we reached the main road where we hung a left and returned to the house where our day began. Back to our town. Back to normal. Then again, maybe not. Who knows what we may find, especially when we're willing to take a venture off the beaten path? 

Notivation- I got off the BICYCLE (not the horse)!!

That's right, I'm posting this to notify all of my lack of motivation today. It's not that I don't WANT TO be motivated. It just feels like I've been doing barbell curls for hours and now I've just completely lost interest in what I'm doing. It seems like every day is so much the same in terms of what I do at this desk. Sitting...sitting here...well, spring break will soon be over and I can actually go back to teaching at schools. That will be fresh!

No-one really makes progress from continually doing the same thing, do they? Or do they? If someone keeps buying houses, flipping them, and selling them for double or triple, maybe they are making progress. But at some point, even he (or she) will feel unchallenged. From there, they may want to try with bigger buildings, or the same business in another country, or something similar with cars. I don't know. In my case, I'm not sure if I feel unchallenged or overwhelmed.

What is the worst situation? I think it's feeling so bored and un-stimulated by the very thing that we know we have to do. Finding a career, going back home, preparing documents, getting rid of things, organizing stuff. I've been hitting all of these hard every day to the point of exhaustion, and now all I can do is just turn off and leave it to my brain to send messages to my fingers to type these words. I just need to express myself and work through these emotions. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's really true. Expression is important for everyone. Isn't it? Is it? Isn't it? Everybody needs to whine a little right? Because after the whining, we get back to business. It's like kids. They fall off their bike, they cry their faces off, then they get up, brush off, jump back on and start pedaling (except the really wimpy ones who just want to go inside and do something "safer." Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

So am I done whining? Am I ready to jump back? Well, the thing is, I kind of want a new bike. I'm tired of these tassels sticking out of the handlebars and I don't want a little bell any more. I want a horn! Maybe not even a bike. Maybe a scooter. How about that? Yeah, a scooter! I'll keep the wheels, but lose the pedals and learn to balance & to push with my legs. A few minor changes and things will be fresh! Then I can move again. Then I can make my way back home. Now...where is that scooter?

Will the LION WEARING SLIPPERS get new wheels?? Stay tuned to find out!!

Trying Not to Care While I Explore Meanderings

I've been trying not to care what other people think about me and how other people feel. I don't know if this endeavor is selfish or liberating. If I don't care at all how other people feel, I'll end up saying all sorts of things. But the problem with ME is that when I say those sorts of things, I feel worse after. People often say "Don't keep it all inside! Express yourself!" Don't we have to be careful what we express, or at the very least, how we express it?

So here I am sitting at my desk in an office full of many other desks, all lined up side-by-side in order of employee ranking. The top guy stays in a room of his own. Then the supervisor and the guy in charge of classroom-related stuff are at the front of the room that all the rest of us stay in, and so on and so forth along the line until you find my desk, which is usually used as storage space when I'm not here. After all, I usually go to schools to work. What am I doing at my Board of Education? It's called "Spring break and I don't have that many official days off I can take." So against my will, I sit here plugging away at trying really hard to look like I'm doing something official. Does that last sentence seem too wordy to you? Well, I'm trying my best not to care what you think about it. But I do care, obviously, or I wouldn't have asked you. Moving on...

Have you ever wondered how human nature can be so similar around the world and yet the way of looking at life is so different? If there was an actual battle between nature and nurture, which would win? The way we naturally are shapes the way we react to different environments, and on occasion, our environment shapes our character. Maybe not our character- our behavior. We can even decide to change our behavior, but on the inside, we may not actually WANT TO do something because it goes against our character. However, if we repeat that behavior again and again and again and again and again and again, we may become comfortable enough with it that we decide to make it a habit. THEN our character changes. On the other hand, if we attempt to repeat the behavior that many times and get zero positive reinforcement for it, we may have even stronger resolve to do the opposite. Then again, what's positive reinforcement for one person could be punishment for another. Our nature responds to the environment we're in. Does our environment also respond to our nature? Perhaps it does. A loud obnoxious man in a bar may be welcomed with open arms...but not in a library. A shy guy in a bar may not even register in anyone's radar, unless someone else is attracted by his quiet, peaceful aura. These examples are not really about environment, though, are they? It's more about people bringing their personalities to the places they like, or don't like. Their character dictates that, as well as dictating how each one of them reacts to the other. There are, however, places where it's more (or less) acceptable to express our real character. Showing our muscles at the beach- maybe okay. Showing off muscles at a business meeting- less okay, unless it's to emphasize a point from a presentation.

That's the jam flyin' around in my head. Take it as you like. I'm sure you could easily find all sorts of loopholes in my logic. Let me know. Throw me a line. Add some comments. Let it fly!

There was one more thing I wanted to say...okay, yes, I remember now. Goodbye. 

Things I've Never Told Anyone

I've never really told anyone that sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if I'm in a dream or if this whole thing is real, this life here in Japan. 

I've never told anyone that I miss my dad, although that seems strange to me because I've never really known him very well. I'd like to. I wish I could more. But we are so much the same that we hesitate to say what we really want. 

I really want to know my grandparents history, and about my ancestors and relatives in Sweden and everywhere else. And I wonder if I'll ever know. I asked about it once, but perhaps some hesitate to open the doors to the past. I secretly hope to just come across a cousin online or somewhere in Japan. Maybe while on a trip to Kyoto, I would meet someone sightseeing, who has kin living in Canada. Not impossible. Just very low odds. 

I never thought I would dislike anyone or find it hard to forgive and yet, somehow, while here in Japan, I have felt quite opposite. I have struggled to forgive and wondered why I should forget. I don't know the line between letting it go and not putting up with people's garbage. I don't feel that it's fair to treat anyone like they're lower status. I don't believe in looking down on people and I feel confused about what to say to people who do. I wonder if I have any right to tell them, teach them, or to show them. 

I had a good friend in elementary school. He disappeared for years. I saw him again while I was walking home from junior high, and we instantly recognized each other. A year later, he moved to Calgary. He called once. I tried to call once. He was gone. Now every time I go to Lethbridge or Calgary or to any airport, I hope to find him.

Recently I've been feeling like I just need a win. And I wish the Michael J.Fox show was more popular. I don't remember any episodes of Family Ties, but I remember watching it. If I went back in the past, I don't think anything could be changed, because we cannot change our character or personality so easily or so quickly. That only comes with time and effort, and with just accepting who we are right now. 

This digital age annoys me because of the lack of face-to-face contact and it seems like nobody has a land line any more. We don't remember each other's voices because we only chat on facebook or wherever else. At the same time, I enjoy being able to "create a character," to be anyone, to present myself however I want to be seen. So while I write this...am I real? To you, am I real? 

I am not an answer, but many questions.